Tue Aug 19, 2008 2:05 am     

I have no clue why, except that I am using my life as a *teaching* and
an important, perhaps *unfinished* part of that is my love and
relationship with Michael Zimmermann/Jivano/Kabir.

The following begins *excerpts* of email from Michael to me and I to
him. We shared an intense month. Probably as much as a lifetime.

And somehow he lives.


"Kabir" begins on March 14, 2008 6:50 p.m.





Anna note to readers 8/18/08: Perhaps this is my only refuge from
feeling my aloneness once again, sharing this life of two.

"I would like to be somebody, I tried my whole life to be
accepted, to be important, to be valued by all.

But I'm just nothing, that's my deepest and strongest
feeling about myself.

Just unimportant, not worth anything, not the hero I'd like
to be, not a great human to be praised and remembered
by everybody.

Not even a great nothingness, no, just an ordinary,
unimportant idiot - that's my reality My life has no meaning.
Spirituality is an illusion to avoid my unimportance. And God
might well be my invention to avoid feeling alone finally.

Somehow it happened in my life, that I stopped fighting that feeling,
stopped wishing to be different. I cann't change myself or anything
and anybody else anyway, so I gave up to think about becoming
better. And slowly, slowly even the depressive moods give up.

I'm ridiculous, a joke, as usual a joke, which most people cannot
even find remotely hilarious. What to do?

Good night Anna.
Sleep well :)

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