Message 23657, 23658, 23660, 23659 of 23698
Fri Dec 30, 2005 10:32 am
|
Fri Dec 30, 2005 10:32 am
|
Part 1/4
| It may be shocking and enlightening to all of you to hear
about by life story for the past 15 months. I have been working as Associate
Consultant in one of the major IT company in Chennai,India. under CTC of
4.25 L per annum. I am playing the Team Leader role in Web Methods integration project for second Bangkok International Airport Project,Thailand. Before coming to the software profession, I have been working as a Lecturer in Mechanical Engineering in Technical Institutions for many years. I have few months experience as a Production Engineer and also in marketing Industrial products. I have been interested in Meditation practice for many years. While in teaching profession I had lot of time to study the philosophical books, doing yoga practice. When I shifted to software profession for monetary benefit I have been deprived of enough time to spend on philosophical books. I have been much interested in knowing `Enlightenment' from my school days. Osho said somewhere just spend 6 months in Meditation and it will be revolutionary. Osho books are my main source of inspiration. At the same time in my family negative feelings have been arising because I am postponing my marriage. I decided to experiment on Meditation practice before I get involved in Marriage. I afraid that once I get in to marriage it is almost irreversible and until my age of retirement or family settlement I won't have `6 months ` time to completely to experiment. Osho has been insisting that young age is the best age. It has been a dilemma to me for a month's time what to do. As I am a new recruit, having only 6 months experience in new company getting 6 months leave is not possible. Also sanction of leave will be even harder when I am playing a critical role in the 8 million dollars major project. It will be very difficult for me to re-enter in to software line with the highly competition world .I am also playing a demanding role in work-environment. Days passed in indecision. One day when I riding my bike, a critical situation is happened. A bus is closely following behind me demanding way with a loud horn. There is no way to give way in highway and my only choice is to get down in to slippery sandy earth. I felt it is risky one. At slow speed I can get down. When I am already moving in 60 km/hour if I get down it will be risky. Hence I decided to raise the speed and started driving at full throttle 95kms/hour . But that driver too speeding up his vehicle and chasing very closely. There is no guarantee if I slow down the bus driver will also immediately respond. Finally in avoiding the danger I decided to get in to a heap of sand sideway. I met the accident by slip of the vehicle and I have been thrown out and bus passes away. I had fallen in to unconscious mode for 15 minutes .Road side workers helped me to get up. Vehicle also has got minor damages. After 15 minutes of relaxing, I had driven back to my residence. I wondered about that unconscious moment. For 15 minutes no feeling, no pain , nothingness. Well, it have given chance to me to arrive at a decision. Life is nothing. Death can happen at any moment. I should not postpone the meditation as Master said. There is no guarantee that even I will live up to retirement age. So I decided to take the risk in spite of the possible economic risks and emotional trouble involved in the family. I got the e-mail sannyas initiation and resigned my job ignoring advice of reporting manager. Life is taking a different turn. Colleagues started behaving differently. Some people praised my courage, some people persuaded me to reconsider, some people moving close to me and some people try to avoid me, some people afraid of me because of my decision etc.. I have explained them that I am very self confident that I will be getting back in to software line after completion of 6 months meditation experiment. After finishing all exit formalities I had been relieved from the services on October 4 , 2004. I have not intimated to my family members at that time. I am the last and 10th child in the family. Now I have 3 brothers and 3 sisters alive. All are settled in married life. Every one is eager to finish the marriage formalities as a duty. When I came out I had just 2L rupees in hand .I have been lived like a spend thrift investing most of my money in books and entertainment. I decided to go to join in Residential programme in Pune Resort. I started collecting details . And when I got to know Osho approved none of the disciples as enlightened, I am very much disappointed leading to burning of Sannyas Initiation letter. Also I came to know that though for 2 months residential programme fees is around Rs60,000 there are additional charges for individual Techniques. Aha ! Money seems to be the critical factor. Moreover at that time I felt that even I spend much money , what I am going to get from the unenlightened ones. They will be repeating like parrots. After all I will be reading books, watching DVD's and audio cassettes and some master guiding in dynamic meditation. But lot of responsibility is on my self. Even when I am asking doubts there are chances that un-enlightened ones will mis-guide. So why can't I do it myself. Osho has no specific master. Totally trusting his words I started my practice myself. Love, Jeeva |
|
Part 2/4
| But one reality is being revealed to me. Without a
family, Except these entertainment shops , Shopping complexes where one can
rest in a metropolitan city . How much time can be spent in beach and parks?
They are fine for week end entertainments but it cannot be made as a life.
Our work and family situations consumes most of energy and time. There is
social recognition, friends, and parties. But to live alone without a work?
No social recognition. I have also difficulty in explaining my interest to every one. Also friends are moving to work place and they have their own family troubles to cope up. I am left alone. I take refuge in British Council Library for time-out Almost regularly I am visiting library pend few hours for more than a year. Even some employees became well aware of me and started asking what I am doing. I said I am working in a research project. In Indian environment, People will try to pass all negative emotions easily just because one is not employed. People try to manipulate a person who is not employed thinking that he is in need of money. Even some close friends , relatives are not inviting to the social gathering. They have trouble how to introduce me because of my situation. A person who is meditating! Their parents asking them why you are having friendship with a person who have Sannyas like attitude. You will also be spoiled like him. But they are ready to ask my assistance in sharing their personal work load when they are in critical situations thinking that I am free. How much mental pains, emotional pains I have gone through because from society just because I am not working. Also I have to tackle the social pressure and kind of ridicule when they came to know one is not married at this age .I cannot express the pain and agony in words. Many times tears flowed down from my eyes. Even suicidal thoughts emerged out from me. Peaceful Living within a society without conforming to the social expectations is a big challenge and it is a uphill task for me. I am not worried about unemployment because it is self created but I shocked about the kind of ill treatment, resentment and treated like a third person or unimportant person in social gathering It is like a death experience (of ego?). One is not welcomed anywhere, have to live like nobody. While I am in software profession even though I am not a millionaire I am comfortable. But every thing vanishes out. Basic survival itself becomes a important big thing. If a person is rich enough there is certain kind of relief. But consider the situation where one have limited cash in hand and it is reducing. At some point of time I have approached my reporting manager for re-entry in to software line. But because of ego problem he denied. While cash is flowing enough I used to have modern gadgets, high quality food in good restaurants. Inflating prices of goods is not a factor at all. In a struggle to balance quality food with limited money , my first luxury of having food in high quality restaurants have been out of reality. I decided to cook, learning from cookbooks. That too started consuming much time and energy. I have been living alone managing all my needs myself. With a decision to devote more time in meditation I dropped the cooking and started having food in normal restaurants. Love, Jeeva |
|
Part 3/4
| Do you think OSHO or GOD appeared before me just because
I am not hindering any one, harming any one, practicing meditation? Reality,
hard core reality of the world has been revealed to me. Is money flowed from
every where just like Datta Swami is saying that if one donate money to GOD,
more money will flow in the hand. Of course it is possible if one is joining a religious organization and start working for their vested interests. If I donate some lump of money to Datta Fund, there will be recognition in that circle and they might help you in distress. Just put all your money in a Temple Hundi for service of GOD without intimating any one and try to start living. Reality of existence will be revealed to you. I am not saying that one should not donate. But it should be without expectations. Otherwise it will lead to frustrations. I decided to continue the practice in spite of critical situation. Intelligence seems to awaken in these critical and dangerous situation. Life is not moving smooth on its own way. Intelligence need to be applied in balancing. I have lot of time to think about various possibilities, try different techniques, study about other master's work . During initial periods there are lot of mental struggle. With reality is threatening and laughing at me like a giant, with meditation and master's words quick understanding is happening. When facing such awkward reality , and in such danger inner strength is increasing.One cannot move around with false beliefs and hopes. A kind of separate awareness, alert consciousness, awareness is arising. In a way society helped me. By rejection , it helped me to grow inside. I don't have to care about the society which is mostly insensitive to higher need of life. Reality is also helping in another way to drop the dreams and expectations in its hard way. I stopped studying OSHO books, philosophical books. Direct experience teaches more than books. I have more time to look inside , the kind of thoughts and emotions going inside. My Awareness is revealing unnecessary things. By dropping them, mind is loaded with less thoughts leading to peaceful moments. Thoughtless awareness, consciousness become a reality. I am not saying that I have been in blissful state 24 hours per day but I know what is bliss and lived with the reality of existence. I am not God but just a human with a loving heart. Love, Jeeva |
|
Part 4/4
|
With this understanding first I decided to return to the software
profession again. But I felt it is better to post to the OSHO groups and
I started posting my first letter `Spend 15 minutes for
Enlightenment' in all available OSHO yahoo groups hoping that it might
help some one. But I have not expected the response and really shocked.
All OSHO lovers started fight with me, ridiculing me.
So my initial letters are very plain and aggressive. Even I decided to leave from all groups but Satrakshita and Noby made me to stay back. I had an initial intention that I have to explain it hard to friends. I have started ridiculing even a small mistake of others. Later I started to realize my own aggression in communication. More over these unnecessary arguments are also disturbing peaceful state. I have been creating hidden enemies in commenting about others. It makes many persons self defensive and they are waiting for the time to re-attack. Communicating frankly what one have felt as a truth without understanding others real needs and emotions creates lot of setbacks and also negativity . Sometimes I feel without commenting about any one, act just like a silent lurker so that inner peace always maintained. But without pointing out directly or indirectly, with out accepting the negativities arising nothing is possible in e-mail communication .I have also gained a lot of understanding from the friends gathered here. Try to understand that my intention is not to hurt others for egoistic purpose. Kindly forgive me for my aggressiveness. With my improved understanding and communication skills, the same persons who rejected me either friends or relatives or family members started dropping the negativities and they are again moving towards me in my life. Of course I am not much discussing about meditation to them either. Even now, my mother (76) instructed me I have to look in all sides while crossing the road with her mother's heart. With this brief real life experience I am finishing a very harsh-dangerous-enlightening-hard core reality path in the year 2005 and entering in to New year 2006 with a Fresh energy. Wish you all an Enlightening Happy New Year   Love ,  Jeeva |
|
back |
